dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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