just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
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