Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
