: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
