he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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