8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
