I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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