Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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