Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
