I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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