So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
