I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
