I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
