two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Randomize
