How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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