well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
