tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
