Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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