I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
last night I used snow as a chaser
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
