Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
