well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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