I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
