i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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