Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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