3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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