I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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