now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
try to milk me bitch
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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