I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
