So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
