3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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