:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
