I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
