She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
