i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
