Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
