I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
