Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
