the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
