every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
