I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
