I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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