Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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