My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
