Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
