her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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