Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
