Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
