it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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