Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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