dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
