the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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