so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
