Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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