Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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