she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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