god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
