For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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