just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
