I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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