I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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